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Sunday, September 4, 2011

EXCUSE ME: Nigeria Is Not At War!

Welcome home bros. How was your flight? It's been quite a while since you visited. Sorry about the jetlag, it will soon wear off. You should visit home more often, don't just get too comfortable there. We have action here in Nigeria too and we are doing quite alright by the world's standard.

What was that? Oh forget about GDP, that is white man's big English especially when they are soliciting for aid for themselves not us. I am sure you read what Taban LoLiyong, the South Sudanese poet said about westerners aid to his new country. Well, he said "Poverty is business". Yeah, that is a very loaded statement. Go figure who is really benefiting from the aid. Anyway here in Nigeria we measure things by PDP not GDP and they are the aid giver here.

Sorry about the heat, let me start the generator - the small one that uses petrol will not carry the 1.5 horsepower air-conditioner and there is no diesel for the big generator. Don't have that kind of look on your face, we are used to it and soon you will too, no need souring your visit. Be happy.

When you are in the happiest country in the world, you have to be happy so we don't lose that position to Ghana. Well, we used to be the giant of Africa; but now we are the happiest country in the world, thanks to some fools who ruled us for a very long time.

Ah, no don't accuse me of insulting my elders. If the owner of a plate carelessly breaks it, others will use it to pack dirt. You don't know what I am talking about? Oh Jesus, come and save me from this 'been-to' who doesn't even follow Nigerian news when abroad. Well, sometimes last month, one of our affable Generals celebrated his birthday on top of the hill and mouthed off at another General who was tending to his chicken in a library. And the wind carried the matter like bad fart to the General and that General called the other General a fool and the other General called the other General a fool too. It's not that confusing, just pay attention. And meanwhile there was one of them, a retired Admiral, who just passed and the two Generals did not even bother to accord their dead esprit-de-corpse any respect, they just continued with their roforofo fight.

What do you mean what do I expect from two overfed army Generals? Don't talk like that please; talks like that can make some people angry. These are not just ordinary army generals. Between the two, they have ruled this beautifully blighted country more than anyone else since independence. Yes, they have long ceased fire because the country was boiling. Well, I don't know why they stopped fighting. You know, Generals have a way of sorting themselves - in and out of power - which was why I did not put my mouth in the matter in the first place.

If not for you now, I would not have said a word. I have too many things on my bloody civilian mind these days than to fan the ember of seasonal soldiers.

You are thirsty? Please don't drink from the tap. That water is from the borehole and is not treated. What is Water Board? Never heard of them before. Let me go buy some Eva pure water, hopefully it is cold enough as we have not had light for days now in the neigbourhood. If I were you, I will not risk the tap water. I am very serious - you could get typhoid fever and the hospitals are nothing to write abroad about. What government hospital? You make me laugh; this is why you must visit home at least once a year so you can understand the days of our lives. No sir, most government hospitals are tool sheds. Mechanic workshops. Iron benders. Antic shop. Theatre to watch The Man Died.

What do you mean where do our leaders treat themselves? Don't Germany, Saudi Arabia or America have hospitals anymore or don't they accept private patients with bottomless bank accounts? Haba bros, you are really beginning to annoy me now. Please get some sleep because I am sure your jet lag is worrying you. If you don't want to stay, please go back and stop complaining about "why do the citizens have to provide every basic amenity for themselves?"

Who else will provide it for us?

What noise? Oh, that is the security man whetting his cutlass in the pavement. Yes, the estate pays monthly fees to keep the area safe from area boys and jobless youths who may need to feed on others. Relax, you are safe. Don't get all worked up as if we are at war, it is just our way of life. No, don't say that we are not at war.

You people from abroad spread bad news about us. What if there is no proper healthcare system or water or road or electricity and a few bombs go off here and there every now and then around the country to make jest of our beefed up security apparatus? How does that paint a war situation


By Victor Ehikamenor

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